An apology

I'd like to apologise to the lady with the newly broken hip. Although I still maintain, you should not have been skateboarding indoors.

I just ran out of wine.

Time to go to bed. Just as well, really, or I'd make worse shit.

El Cabron

I don't have anything useful to write. Just a few seconds ago, there were hailstones and someones care alarm went off. Have you seen the Jizz In My Pants video? It's hilarious and you should search googles for it or watch it in jaotjaob. Tesco was full of twats earlier. Mmmmm tits are awesome. Howard farted and I had to go stand in reception for a while, it was THAT bad. He's a vegetarian, which only makes it worse. I'm tired, and I have a loooooad of work to do both here and when I get home later. Growler's wife is Keith Cheggers again, I hope he doesn't find out it's mine. Especially as it's not mine. I jizz right in my pants when you're standing next to me. I'm glad Justin Timberlake isn't a complete twat, and can do comedy stuff, like be in the video for that Jizz song or do that matrix parody which was funny too but not as funny as the Jizz song or the Dick In A Box song which he also did. Rob has a four inch penis. When it's up. I want to get slashed on southern comfort. Now Howard's denying the fart from earlier. Motherfucker should superglue his arse shut before he comes to work tomorrow.

I'm eating a satsuma

(click for bigger)

Twatter!

I added twitter to ze blog. You can see it on the right, under the shitbox. It's like a mini blog, or that status thing in facebook. Also, we could be making fuck tonight honey. Would you like?

Piece of meat

I decided to rewrite Piece Of Me for Britney Spears. When it comes to lyrics, the young whippersnapper could do with a bit of help. Bless 'er.

"Piece Of Meat"

I've liked steak and melted cheese since age 17
Gotta love a slab of meat with creme
I don't want no shitty old Mickey D
Gotta be a steakhouse not Burger King, Wimpy's or KFC
You want a piece of meat?
You want a piece of meat...

Slap it's ass, give it a warm room
Another day another rare blue
Gently cook, don't overdo
Lots of melted cheese on top, too
Knife and fork and even spoon
I'm still a lover of all food
And you want a piece of meat

I'm Mrs. holy shit this saucy is tasty
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. bring me more and make it hasty
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. extra onion, extra chips
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. this will go straight to my hips
(You want a piece of meat)

I'm Mrs. 'You want a piece of meat?'
Fryin' a nice rib eye steak
You're the best steakhouse, says word on the street
Don't want pasta bake
Hope I get a sexy waiter
And end up settlin' in bed
Now are you sure you want a piece of meat? (you want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. 'Most likely to get on the TV for eatin' off the floor'
Because I dropped it, no, for real..
But I needed to have some more!
No wonder they panic in the food industry
GIVE ME MEAT!
Do you want a piece of meat?

I'm Mrs. eggs and chips and peas and bacon
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. oh my God my jaw is achin'
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. can't stop now much keep on chewin'
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. guess how much I'll be pooing?!
(You want a piece of meat)
I've liked steak and melted cheese since age 17
Gotta love a slab of meat with creme
I don't want no shitty old Mickey D
Gotta be a steakhouse not Burger King, Wimpy's or KFC
You want a piece of meat?
You want a piece of meat...
You want a piece of meat?
I'm Mrs. don't care if there's blood on my place
(You want a piece of me)
I'm Mrs. want it now and can't bare to wait
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. juice dribblin' down my chin
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. fuck it, don't want to be thin
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. every night at Martha's Steak Dump
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. t-bone, rib eye, sirloin or rump
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. porterhouse or round or blade chuck
(You want a piece of meat)
I'm Mrs. GIVE ME STEAK, YOU PUNK MOTHERFUCK!
(You want a piece of meat)
Oh yeah
I want a slab of meat

cat, mouse

http://www.davidoreilly.com/pss/

Ooooh, old video!

This was filmed around 8 years ago, over the course of a few weeks. I cut up some video we made, stuck a music on it and turned it into gold. Or shit. Or golden shit.

Enjoy!

Random profanity

COCKSHIT!

Now you try.

FFFUUUCCCKKK???

DONDE ESTA MI PATATA????????

Dude made me n trys piss ourselves. Just then. Yeah, there ya go.

Stop! Imagetime!

Show me how to live

Blue Spiderfish

The Blue Spiderfish is a curious thing
With its chitinous thorax and muscular wing
Though it's useless - the Blue Spiderfish cannot fly
And in fact, it can't move, or perspire, or spy
But it can use it's lungs when they're pumped full of breath
To emit a noise so evil it can cause death!
Imagine a tomcat, but blown up in size
'Til it's larger than six thousand big macs (with fries)
Now imagine it got it's balls caught in a vice
And the thing was controlled by revenge-driven mice
So they tighten it up 'til it won't go no more
And the testicles pop and the ooze hits the floor
And the tomcat beast screams while it's trying to flee
Now THAT is the noise that you'll listenhear. "SCREEE!"

Braaaaains?

It's an internet quiz so the answers are 100% accurate.

You Are 40% Left Brained, 60% Right Brained

The left side of your brain controls verbal ability, attention to detail, and reasoning. Left brained people are good at communication and persuading others. If you're left brained, you are likely good at math and logic. Your left brain prefers dogs, reading, and quiet. The right side of your brain is all about creativity and flexibility. Daring and intuitive, right brained people see the world in their unique way. If you're right brained, you likely have a talent for creative writing and art. Your right brain prefers day dreaming, philosophy, and sports.

Are You Right or Left Brained?

My xmas card, to you.

Phrases to use today:

"I found him in a corner, swallowing earwigs"

"No darling, those aren't my teeth"

"Just wet the end, it'll slip down fine"

"Quick! Quick! Sting's set his cock on fire again!"

"See? I told you it'd grow back."

Hitler

Explanation needed

Despite not eating anything containing sesame seeds, I keep finding them on my desk. Can you explain the reason behind this?

instrumental