Last Summer

Given the overwhelming success of This Is How You Move Me, I'd like us to write another collaboration. Let's make it sexier than ever, eh?

Last Summer

I remember it like it was yesterday,
Your hair was much shorter back then,
We took a trip down to Sandy Bay,
And we went skinny dipping again,

The water was cool, and clear and fresh,
I rubbed sun lotion into your back,
But I didn't know that it smelled like fear,
And prompted that Shark to attack

Last summer, I remember, we were there
Last summer, you looked glorious, I swear
Last summer, it was the last ever summer
That you could get around on your own, without a wheelchair

This is how you move me

Please excuse the dodgy singing...

And guitaring...



Thanks to Ryan and Audun for providing verses 2 and 3. Awesome-o!

Tonight I'm oh so lonely
And you're oh so far away
I feel the air is cold, and still
You left earlier today
And it's quieter than ever
I can't even hear the owls
As I think of you, I feel my heart beat
And there's movement in my bowels

{Chorus}
Ooooooh, you make me wanna shit my pants,
Ooooooh, I'm gonna drop a floater in my kecks,
Ooooooh, you make me wanna dump a choco-log
I'm gonna do it loud, I'm gonna do it proud, I'm gonna go the whole stinkin' hog
You make me wanna shit my pants

I wonder if you're holy,
Your auror shines so bright
Plants grow up all around you
And celebrate your might
I've never known all my fears
Small children they revere you
It almost fills my eyes with tears
But fills my arse with poo

{Chorus}

Your eyes are like islands
On which I want to go ashore
Your lips are a wine glass
I would like to have some more
Your hair smells of roses
I like to see you brush
And when I think of your beauty
My bowels fill with slush

{Chorus x 2}

This is how you move me

Tonight I'm oh so lonely
And you're oh so far away
I feel the air is cold, and still
You left earlier today
And it's quieter than ever
I can't even hear the owls
As I think of you, I feel my heart beat
And there's movement in my bowels

Ooooooh, you make me wanna shit my pants,
Ooooooh, I'm gonna drop a floater in my kecks,
Ooooooh, you make me wanna dump a choco-log
I'm gonna do it loud, I'm gonna do it proud, I'm gonna go the whole stinkin' hog
You make me wanna shit my pants

Update - this has turned into a collaboration. Awesome-o!

Spasmic Jam

While we're on the subject of things that are sexy, I should point you in the direction of Spasmic Jam, a collaborative blog between Me, Mab and ze vikings.

My Tech predictions for 2008

The bbc site has it's predictions up for the top 5 technologies of 2008. The list is basically:

1. The web to go


2. Ultra mobile PCs


3. IPTV


4. WiMax


5. Mobile VoIP

While the list is well thought-out, and I'm sure it won't be a million miles off the mark, I can't help feeling they've left a few things out.

So, to keep you lucky lucky ladies in the loop, here are my top tech predictions for 2008.

1. MP3 Players

Apple have release a wonderful little gadget called the iPod. Basically you take your "compact discs" and "rip" them into some other crazy format. You then put them on your iPod and you can listen to them wherever you go! Without having to take the CDs along with you! I know it sounds crazy, but it's true - it's like a TAPELESS WALKMAN!

2. Portable projectors

Projectors are big, expensive and noisy. Let's see this change with the commercial production of some awesome tiny laser projector, shall we?

3. The Teabagging And Shit Game

Ok I admit that this is less a technological breakthrough, and more a concept I'm trying to introduce. But I had to sneak it in somewhere, and I don't think it deserved it's own post... The act of teabagging starts in the regular way - when a naked man squats over the face of a woman. The female opens her mouth and accepts into it the nutsack of the mail. A slight sucking action and occasionally a gentle humming sound can make things more exciting. Anyway, to REALLY increase the fun and start the Teabagging And Shit Game, the male may attempt to squeeze out nuggets of crap onto the female's neck. Be careful though - if she discovers the shit, she'll bite your nuts and you lose the game. OH NOES!

4. More robotic killing machines

The US are using more and more unmanned vehicles in Iraq and Afghanistan. I expect they'll pump billions more dollars into this area over the next 12 months. It'll be like the start of the whole skynet / terminator thing, but with better acting and, hopefully, the actual death of Edward Furlong.

Treaclemuff, what are your predictions for 2008?

Email conversation: Monkey Wars!

Ryan: "One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious Langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus Macaques monkeys."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7055625.stm

Me: That is awesome! I've waited patiently for the monkey wars to begin. Now they're finally here, my nefarious plan can be put into action. I can't tell you what the plan is, though. Oh no. That has to wait until I've captured the guy that's trying to thwart me. Then, when he's in an apparently-doomed-yet-actually-escapable position, that's when I'll reveal all before leaving the room and assuming he's dead even though I haven't seen the body or anything.
This is also awesome: Ninjas attack Richard Stallman (founder of the free software foundation) in xkcd comic reenactment.
http://www.boingboing.net/2007/10/21/ninjas-attack-richar.html

Ryan: Muhauhauauhaa! I already know your plans. You will assemble a monkey army of King Kong proportions. Like, there are so many monkeys, if they all worked together, they could all grab hold of each other to for one giant uber monkey, bigger than even King Kong.
But I know you better than this. Although there would be one ginormous monkey made out of thousands of other monkeys, this isn’t good enough. I have a feeling that you were planning on killing every monkey to make one hugantic zombie monkey, only rivalled by the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. However, the Marshmallow man doesn’t have any powers of his own per say, he is just renting power from Zool. The Zombie Monkey would be an independent evil power all of it’s own, and thus almost indestructible.
That comic was awesome! I’ve printed it out to put on my desk!

Me: Actually, my plan is to give each and every monkey a typewriter. According to the laws of infinity, they will then produce great literary works, and they'll make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. Of course, it's not an infinite number of monkeys so my plan has a small chance of failure.
Now that I've told you this, you will have to die. I have sent you a powerful laser in the post. Please strap yourself to a table, after rigging up a machine to move the beam slowly toward your genitals. I will assume you've done this, and are now dead. Thanks.

Ryan: Hello. I escaped somehow. :D
I’ve found a number of flaws in your plan. They do indeed say that if you get an infinite number of monkeys they will eventually write a literary masterpiece. However, they don’t say whether or not the literary piece is all in one block of text, meaning you’d have to sort through an infinite amount of text in order to find it.
Of course, eventually, the monkeys would type the masterpiece in one chunk, but the flaw with that is that you would effectively have to live forever before they would type it.
I think your first plan should be to become immortal. However, chances are that the rest of humanity would be dead by the time your monkey typing plan ceme to fruition. Sure, you’d have a great book to read, but you’d have nobody to discuss it with. Plus, you don’t read books anyway, so it’d be wasted on you!

Me: Hah! With an infinite number of monkey / typewriter combos, one of them will write all the masterpieces, in one block, in the correct order. That's the wonder of infinity.
On the down side, I will indeed have to check through a ridiculous amount of text to find the one monkey genius that'll facilitate the execution of my plan. I fear I may be dead from old age before I locate the chosen simian.
That paragraph was in reply to your "flaws in your plan" bit. Now I've read the next paragraph of your mail, I realise that what I've just written is redundant. How ironic that I should be writing redundant text regarding the monkey / typewriter / infinity theory.
I got my new 160gb hard drive today. It's gonna go in the PS2 :)
Also, I wanna post this thread as a blog entry. Woot!

Ryan: Didn’t I say this, in my 2nd paragraph?
Yep, said this too.
I’ve just got here, and realised what *I* have just written is also redundant!
Why would you put a 160gb hard drive in a PS2? That’s like putting a Bugatti engine in a rusty old Ford Fiesta, or like me putting my diick in Janet Street Porter.
Go man, go! I should post on my blog more often, I’ve got loads of news, I just can’t be arsed to write.

Foss & The Cornish National Liberation Army VS Jamie Oliver

I thought I'd take a small amount of my lunchtime to invade Foss' blog, and post this news:

Cornish Liberation Army Threat

I always suspected Foss of being an agent of terror. This piece of writing brings me one step closer to the truth.

Still, at least you chose a worthy target.

Conversation

Ryan:

Why isn't is Friday yet?

Me:

Because the earth’s rotation around the sun conspires against us. Don’t worry; I have plans in place to speed and slow the rate of spin during specific hours, making the days shorter and the nights longer. Also, I’ll be tilting the northern hemisphere toward the sun for 16% longer each year, giving us 2 more months of summer. I’m not sure when this plan will kick in, or indeed whether it will actually work, but I started it off by gyrating my hips. I’m counting on the butterfly effect to do the rest.

As a fallback plan, I’ve set in motion a series of cataclysmic events in the centre of the sun, using the power of my mind. These events will cause Solaris to expand gradually. Eventually our sun will become a red dwarf star, engulfing Mercury, Venus, Earth and possibly Mars too. This might not happen for a few billion years, but at least it’s more of a certainty than my first plan.

Ryan:

Mauhauhauha. “I started it off by gyrating my hips” – genius! :D

I’m afraid I can’t offer a counter that would be in the same league, but maybe that’s cos I’ve used up all my imagination writing some alternate lyrics for Stairway to Heaven by Led Zepplin.

You're not sorry 'til I make you

Collaboration #3 - The Nomad

In order to get you fucksticks interested in posting here again I'd like to introduce the eatfoss collaboration shitshingles number 3 - "The Nomad". This one will be a song, coincidentally titled "The Nomad". It'll be a song about a guy that does nomaddy things, like wander around and travel and wander and stuff. He can be a bit crazy in the headbrain, if you like. Fuck, it's up to you, you're the one writing the song!

Rules:

You write four lines...
Your first line will rhyme with the previous participant's last line.
Your second and third lines will be your own, but they must rhyme with each other.
Your fourth line will be the setup - the next participant will have to rhyme with it, so please refrain from ending the line using "Purple", "Silver" or "Orange" (unless you know that the next person is a future^Jazz follower and therefore knows about the new colours, "Pilver", "Urple" and "Porange"). Other non-rhyming words that might or might not exist in a dictionary somewhere are also bad choices.

Remember that, although regular eatfoss readers are within the top 0.02% of the planet's population when it comes to intelligence, there might be stupid people here too. I shall take this opportunity to say an unrelated "hello" to the Welsh boys.

I'll start you off with my four lines, plus a preceeding intro line to prevent my first actual line from looking out of place.

The Nomad

In ancient times of long ago
There was a man, of whom we know
His name escapes me, nevermind
The legacy he left behind
of travels to such lands afar

Go!

Collaboration #1 - results

Thanks to you lot for adding to my first collaboration post. The resulting song follows. I'll try to record and post a video soon!

--

I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesomely rad
Step up motherfuckers if y'all think you is bad
I'm half a sec away from filling your head with holes
And I'm so FRIKKIN cool they call me Absolute Zero

spotted dog, striped cat, polka dot possum
really need to defrost my refridgerator
my corduroy trousers are flying around the room
someone please shoot me now, I cannot stand the pain anymore.

Sellotape, Sellotape, Dispensorey thing.
You failed to cut my sticky backed plastic.
That's the last time you're ever going to do that.
Die bastard die die, melt and explode is this too drastic?

Milk soaked shit, without wit, worthless waste of time.
Just one more piece in the cereal bowl of life.
The milk has gone sour and is starting to curdle.
No breakfast for me today mommy, why don't you fuck off!

Jiz her face, Jiz her face, Jiz it hard and long
Where the fuck did you get to, simpleton Brother?
Why do you drag people down into your sordid world?
and Why did Uncle Jimmy have to boil my pedigree?

I used to, think that I, had to be with you
But since I took up yoga I don't think I do
The alternative lifestyle proves that things can be sweet
When your head's where your legs go and your bum is on your feet

elephant, elephant, my cock is bigger
i trip on it in the shower almost daily
it blocks out the sun and causes mass hysteria
but your mouth is so fucking big that you could suck on it.

naked man, naked man, you're sex on a can.
Your package is like a lazer-stegosaurus.
Your belly is big and supercool like a walrus.
oh naked man, I want to choke you with my cellofan.

Collaboration #2 - facts about Ryan

After the previous post's comments, I think it'd be fun to create a list of facts about Ryan.

Go.

Ryan enjoys hiking through gorse bushes. Naked.

Collaboration experiment

I'd like for all eatfoss readers to create a song. Each of you should write a verse in the comments, following the following format. You follow? Each digit here represents the number of syllables you should use...

3, 3, 5
12
13
14

Like so:

I'm awesome, I'm awesome, I'm awesomely rad
Step up motherfuckers if y'all think you is bad
I'm half a sec away from filling your head with holes
And I'm so FRIKKIN cool they call me Absolute Zero

The complete song might be recorded by The Daves, with The Daves on vocals and The Daves on guitar. Unless Captain C*smic wants to join in, of course.