Email conversation: Monkey Wars!

Ryan: "One approach has been to train bands of larger, more ferocious Langur monkeys to go after the smaller groups of Rhesus Macaques monkeys."
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/south_asia/7055625.stm

Me: That is awesome! I've waited patiently for the monkey wars to begin. Now they're finally here, my nefarious plan can be put into action. I can't tell you what the plan is, though. Oh no. That has to wait until I've captured the guy that's trying to thwart me. Then, when he's in an apparently-doomed-yet-actually-escapable position, that's when I'll reveal all before leaving the room and assuming he's dead even though I haven't seen the body or anything.
This is also awesome: Ninjas attack Richard Stallman (founder of the free software foundation) in xkcd comic reenactment.
http://www.boingboing.net/2007/10/21/ninjas-attack-richar.html

Ryan: Muhauhauauhaa! I already know your plans. You will assemble a monkey army of King Kong proportions. Like, there are so many monkeys, if they all worked together, they could all grab hold of each other to for one giant uber monkey, bigger than even King Kong.
But I know you better than this. Although there would be one ginormous monkey made out of thousands of other monkeys, this isn’t good enough. I have a feeling that you were planning on killing every monkey to make one hugantic zombie monkey, only rivalled by the Stay-Puff Marshmallow man. However, the Marshmallow man doesn’t have any powers of his own per say, he is just renting power from Zool. The Zombie Monkey would be an independent evil power all of it’s own, and thus almost indestructible.
That comic was awesome! I’ve printed it out to put on my desk!

Me: Actually, my plan is to give each and every monkey a typewriter. According to the laws of infinity, they will then produce great literary works, and they'll make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. Of course, it's not an infinite number of monkeys so my plan has a small chance of failure.
Now that I've told you this, you will have to die. I have sent you a powerful laser in the post. Please strap yourself to a table, after rigging up a machine to move the beam slowly toward your genitals. I will assume you've done this, and are now dead. Thanks.

Ryan: Hello. I escaped somehow. :D
I’ve found a number of flaws in your plan. They do indeed say that if you get an infinite number of monkeys they will eventually write a literary masterpiece. However, they don’t say whether or not the literary piece is all in one block of text, meaning you’d have to sort through an infinite amount of text in order to find it.
Of course, eventually, the monkeys would type the masterpiece in one chunk, but the flaw with that is that you would effectively have to live forever before they would type it.
I think your first plan should be to become immortal. However, chances are that the rest of humanity would be dead by the time your monkey typing plan ceme to fruition. Sure, you’d have a great book to read, but you’d have nobody to discuss it with. Plus, you don’t read books anyway, so it’d be wasted on you!

Me: Hah! With an infinite number of monkey / typewriter combos, one of them will write all the masterpieces, in one block, in the correct order. That's the wonder of infinity.
On the down side, I will indeed have to check through a ridiculous amount of text to find the one monkey genius that'll facilitate the execution of my plan. I fear I may be dead from old age before I locate the chosen simian.
That paragraph was in reply to your "flaws in your plan" bit. Now I've read the next paragraph of your mail, I realise that what I've just written is redundant. How ironic that I should be writing redundant text regarding the monkey / typewriter / infinity theory.
I got my new 160gb hard drive today. It's gonna go in the PS2 :)
Also, I wanna post this thread as a blog entry. Woot!

Ryan: Didn’t I say this, in my 2nd paragraph?
Yep, said this too.
I’ve just got here, and realised what *I* have just written is also redundant!
Why would you put a 160gb hard drive in a PS2? That’s like putting a Bugatti engine in a rusty old Ford Fiesta, or like me putting my diick in Janet Street Porter.
Go man, go! I should post on my blog more often, I’ve got loads of news, I just can’t be arsed to write.