My holiday, and a history lesson.

I'm heading to Oslo on Friday, for 9 days. There are many reasons for the holiday, like getting away from work, travelling with a humourous companion and meeting some wonderful people, but the main reason for going is much more sinister. I've decided to take back our history.


For those of you in countries that don't really have a history, let me explain the concept. The world has existed for a lot longer than 514 years, and in the times before Columbus sailed the ocean blue, England was the biggest country in the world. It wasn't called England back then, it was called Britain, the ground was red and white, and the country was ruled by the Britons who built houses out of mud and used pigs as currency.

One fine, fine sunny day (clouds weren't invented yet) a bunch of ginger Norwegians decided to invade. They raped our women, pillaged our towns, raped our currency and tried to turn the land into a giant Mona Lisa painting (which is why the ground is now brown - it's all the paint they used. fact). Anyway, in 1066 we discovered their weakness (UHT milk) and kicked their arses out of the country.

So, I'm going over there on Friday to take back the 273 years they took from us. I'll start in the Viking capital, Oslo, and I'll start eating. I'll continue eating and eating until I expand to cover the entire city, at which point I'll start rolling myself around to other parts of the country, crushing all those who oppose me.

Here's a list of some of the problems I may face, and their proposed solutions.

Problem 1: Neo-vikings

I'm unlikely to come across any real vikings, as they died out when a giant meteor hit the earth and caused 90% global extinction. However, their ancestors the neo-vikings may prove to be a difficult adversary. Their ginger hair prevents me from getting in a headbutt (I wouldn't want to catch it), and the spiky helmets mean I can't just roll over them.
Solution: The answer here would be ranged attacks. I'll hurl lumps of brown cheese at the bastards. If the cheese hits, that's an instant kill. But, BUT, if it misses and rolls off a cliff, they'll all jump after it yelling "SAVE THE BROWN CHEESE!"

Problem 2: Fjords

It's not the depth or length/breadth of the fjord that's the problem - I'll be fat enough to just float across without any hassle. But their liquid-nitrogen like temperatures could kill me instantly, and trying to pronounce "fjord" without sounding like a spastic buying a car, well that could destroy my brain.
Solution: Wear a drysuit, and call them puddles.

Problem 3: Ze Ladies

It's a well known fact that Norwegian chicks are GORGEOUS. If I happen to spot one, I may become hypnotised by her beauty and cancel my invasion of the country, and begin my invasion of their "private areas" instead.
Solution: Self-castration is not an option. I'll have to find a hottie that harbours similar nefarious plans, and take her along for the ride. So to speak.

I leave early on Friday morning. If I'm not back in 5 days, it's because I'm due to spend 9 there anyway. Wish me luck!