Slitspasm encroachment

Working with young people, I find myself increasingly confused with modern lingo, or "street". Maybe it's just me getting old, or maybe it's the gradual decline of society as a whole - as we become more socially aware through evolution, each generation's children interact with greater fluidity and ease. Entire sentences have been reduced to single words, and in turn, those words reduced to a string of alphanumeric characters. "c u l8r" for example.

So, I've taken it upon myself to bring back some semblence of dignity to the English language by essentially fighting fire with fire. I can't understand young people, so I'll make damn sure they can't understand me. Their frustration at their own inability to grasp the meaning of my mouthwords will force them to regress back into real English.

In order to add extra confusion, I've decided to take regular words and transform their meanings into something completely different. If I'm ever talking or writing to you, and I use some of these words, please refer to this handy translation sheet. Thanks for your time.

Spumflaf - Hello Sir or Madam. How are you today?
Cropper - Yes, the weather is wonderful isn't it. Later, I might take the kids down to the beach for a barbecue.
Kettle - I'll swap you two of my peanut butter sandwiches for one of your chicken salad baguettes.
Process - I apologies profusely, I didn't mean to put my leg there. Please forgive me.
Grumpy - I'm afraid I can't help you, I'm not a ticket seller. I'm merely dressed in a blue overcoat - the likeness is purely coincidental.
Shifted - Thank you for your kind words of appreciation. However, your patronising tone has enraged me further, and now I'm going to have to destroy your golden retreiver as punishment.
Simple - Did you just drink my tea? I think you did. Yes, Rogers just confirmed it to me by nodding. I'll have to take you outside for a bout of fisticuffs. Please prepare yourself for a serious drubbing.

To amuse you further, here's some pictures from our hardcore weekend drinking session.