Your horoscopes for the week.

Aries - You're in for a surprise today, when a long-lost relative (the brother you didn't know you had) turns up out of the blue and demands a thousand pounds. He's family, give it to him.

Taurus - That car you stole last week and crashed into a barn will come back to haunt you. Make sure you have plenty of sea salt for the exorcism.

Gemini - This week, avoid pigs and pork products.

Cancer - The new stepladder you've been wanting to buy but have been afraid to ask for.. Someone else bought it, you're too late.

Leo - Who's laughing now, motherfucker? Huh? I told you it'd happen, but you're a stubborn shite that wouldn't believe me. Come and apologise.

Virgo - If you dye your hair on Tuesday, it'll go horribly wrong and you'll be bald within a month. Wednesday is a good day to dye your hair. Do it on Wednesday.

Libra - Just because she has herpes, it doesn't make her a bad person. Remind yourself of this every few minutes, because 80% of the women you meet this week will indeed be a carrier of herpes.

Scorpio - You're going to lose a) your keys, and b) your virginity, at exactly the same time. This is unavoidable, so I suggest you go and buy some condoms (or a diaphragm if you is a laydee), and one of them keyring things that beeps when you whistle.

Saggyhairyass - The justice delivery boy will be knocking on the door of truth this Friday. Make sure you're there to let him in.

Capricorn - Someone's filled your refridgerator with bees.

Aquarius - A new allergy for you this week, in the form of jelly. You can counteract it with education and a polypropylene duck.

Pisces - When the fourth moon of slagrabbit aligns with hotep's grandmother, you'll start to believe that birds are just figments of your imagination. Have someone tie you down and slap you until it all goes away.