Originally I was going to write "Daymer Bay" in that song, instead of "Sandy", because it's near where I live. It's the first time I've thought of that beach in years, as usually I'd go to Widemouth or Trebarwith instead.
I just saw this story.
You see what happens? I think of a beach, and it explodes. I have power.
You know how, when you're talking about other people, you'd love to be able to do a really good impression of them? I had that exact situation last night, while explaining an advert I saw, and I came up with this.
Imagine a really fat, disgusting woman, laying on her side, naked, on a table in front of you. She's just eaten a huge steak & cheese sandwich; she has cheese-grease dribbling down her sagging breasts and oversized, blackened nipples, and she's sweating profusely from all the meat she's just consumed. She's out of breath from the gorging, and looking bloated and greasy. Now imagine the noises her unwashed, stinking vagina would make if she were to try talking out of it.
Try to make those noises with your mouth. Go on.
You can now perfectly impersonate Jamie Oliver. Well done.
Today is February 29th. The smarter ones among you may realise that this date doesn't come around every year - in fact it only occurs once every four years, and there's a good reason for it. Allow me to elaborate.
It takes the Earth approximately 365 days and 6 hours to make a complete orbit around our solar system's central star - we call it the Sun. Now, crazy people have decreed that a regular year lasts 365 days, so every year the extra 6 hours are stashed away in the Sun's special handbag. The solar satchel can hold a maximum of 24 hours, which means it becomes full every 4 years. The Sun checks the contents of the bag on February 28th, and if it looks like it's about to overflow, the Sun will empty the bag all over the Earth, which is where our extra day comes from.
The Sun was discovered in 1925 by Alfred Cocksloppy, a German astrophysicist famous for his flamboyant moustache. You can't get anywhere in science without an amazing Schnurrbart, you know. He was going to name the star after his son, but accidentally mispelled it Sun, and the name stuck. Other names for the Sun include Sol, Solaris and Jeff. Interestingly, Cocksloppy is also responsible for the naming of the Moon, which was yet another mispelling, this time of the word "daughter". What a stupid cunt.
I've just eaten a pasty. It was delicious. 9/10.
Being a once-in-every-four-year occurence, it's customary to perform strange and wonderful rituals. For example, the Swiss use February 29th to make chocolate and clocks. In Russia, today is the only day when it's legal to drink Vodka. Today is also the day French women have a shower and shave their armpits.
In England, people say it's acceptable for a woman to propose marriage to a man on this day. Personally I find it annoying. Only a small percentage of the female population know me, and marriage proposals from strangers are unacceptable.
Unless it's Kylie.
What strange customs does February 29th bring for your country?
instrumental
The bbc site has it's predictions up for the top 5 technologies of 2008. The list is basically:
German scientist Francrapula Schwitzturd invented the vegetable weather machine ("Die Weggie-Veather Machinen" or WVM) in August '06. Having been granted no less that four million patents for his idea, it was finally ready to go into mass production. His future looked bright - a WVM in every home in Europe! After all, who wouldn't want to control the local weather via a handsome and tasty broccoli/cabbage interface?
"What the fuck are you on about, Foss?" I hear you ask.. Well, this is what the fuck I'm on about. This paragraph right here is what the fuck I'm on about. The reason you've never heard of the WVM is that it's production was cancelled a mere two hours before it was due to begin. The reason behind it's cancellation?
The Great Onion Tornado...
Turns out that, not only did the WVM control the weather, but through a design fault it also spewed it's contents into the sky. A few root vegetables too many and KAFUCKINGBLAMMO! A maelstrom of red and white onion chunks swirling at blistering headspeeds would leave nothing but destruction in it's wake. Totalling rooftops, gutchunking livestock and disintegrating clowns, the Great Onion Tornado of Hamburg would be the governments greatest cover-up.
It's just ironic that a machine designed with vegetables would transform the city and murder the inhabitants (ie Hamburgers) FOREVER.
Also, pancakes were involved.
Open your eyes
This is Slimey. She was a birthday present from my girlfriend Sarah. Ironically, snakes aren't slimey. Haha.
You have to laugh at my jokes. In fact, today you have to do everything I tell you because it's my birthday.
Stand up and shout "Norks are awesome!" now.
Thanks.
In the past six months, two people reached eatfoss by googling "eat me to the nub". And one through "eat my cunt".
Where the hell do you people come from?!
Also, I have way more firefox users viewing my blog than I do IE users. This is very good, please keep it up. I know I'm probably skewing the figures a little, but I don't view my own blog much. I get new comments through an RSS feed, which I have excluded from the report. Honk.
The BBC are reporting that up to half of Mars may have ice. Apparently, scientists say there's a new way of scanning for water and it's far more accurate than previous methods.
Now, I'm starting to see a pattern here. Many years ago they said that Mars was just a barren wasteland with nothing but sand, rock and the occasional spooky face. Then they said it may contain water, but it's unlikely. Then it was "ok, it might", followed by "yeah, ok there's a tiny bit of ice". At this rate, they'll soon be telling us that Mars is in fact one giant snowball and they're actually doubting the presence of rocks and dust.
So I'm going to pre-empt them all and tell you right now that Mars is, in fact, a giant aquarium. There are fish, there are squids, there are dragons and there are horses swimming around in their goldfish bowl-style homeland, all placed there by giants that are too big for us to see.
Also, Titan is a glob of sewerage and Jupiter is a fart.
Maximo Park's "Girls Who Play Guitars" and Stereophonics' "Pick A Part That's New" are exactly the same song, with alternative lyrics and played at a different tempo.
Chris made me laugh so hard I spat tea on my keyboard:
I FF'd Winamp on Shuffle mode over 6'000 times (lost count, sorry) and not once did it play a Megadeth 'song', despite there being 12 such tracks in the 1500ish strong playlist.
In fact it has NEVER played a Dave Cumstain song from that list. EVAR.
I suspect this is the first sign of true AI!!!
Mosquitoes are names as such because they were invented in a Mosque.
BOOM! You've been FACTSPLODED!
According to my wizag netvibes doodad, the Iraq war is currently more popular than cancer, but not as popular as David Beckham.
Steve Jobs is beating them all.
Not literally.
Here at eatfoss, I don't just care about your perfect, hot body, glistening as the sunbeams dance through the trees and collide with droplets of sweat... I care about your mind too. So much so, in fact, that I'm going to introduce a new feature to eatfoss. The FACTSPLOSION!
This time, I'm going to tell you all about a little disease we like to call Malaria.
Over 90 percent of cases of Malaria occur in tropical Africa, in a region called The Rhubarb Straights. Most impacted by the disease are pregnant women and children, as the disease is a sexual deviant with a fetish for pot bellies. It's the leading cause of death for children under the age of five, and over the age of minus thirty.
It's generally transmitted by mosquitoes, but specially commissioned Malaria Trains have been used in the past, when there was too much of the disease for the flies to handle alone.
Malaria is highly skilled at mental arithmetic, and kills exactly a million people a year, spreading those deaths out to form a perfectly straight line when plotted on a graph.
There are vaccines, but the best method of avoiding the disease is to duck and dodge to the left every few seconds, when walking down the street.
