Oh yes.

My email to colleages

I sent this out office staff today...

Hello, you!

Some of you may be aware of my impending old age; more specifically, this Saturday I shall be turning thirty (for those of you (Rob) that don't understand the concept of using numbers as words, I mean 30) years of age. It's a fairly important birthday (as those that end in zero often are), so I thought I'd do something different, possibly even social, to make a nice change from sitting fully clothed under a cold shower, sobbing uncontrollably. Of course it will have to be somewhere public to provide as many witnesses (alibis) as possible. After all, I don't want a repeat of 2006.

As I've been working here since I was 18, I've known many of you for several years and have come to consider most of you as "colleagues". In fact I must admit I've even grown to like a handful of you, so I feel it'd be a great honour for you to help me celebrate my birthday. Plus it might make me look important if I'm seen hanging around with intelligent, attractive people (ie that lucky 25% of you).

Given Cornwall Council's inexcusable failure to open a branch of Hooters in town, I thought kicking off the evening in Harveys might be a viable (although inferior) alternative. Sure, the drinks are expensive, the atmosphere is depressing and the bar staff are judgemental, but at least the drinks are expensive. Please feel free to bring friends or partners (or mail order internet brides (Rob)). I think it's probably best to head there straight after work so we don't get stuck with the cheap seats, or end up talking to Les.

I am aware of the "recession", so if you'd like to save some money I recommend trying to pay for drinks using a drawing of a spider - see http://people.msoe.edu/~gormand/canihavemyspiderbackot3.gif for details.

I'm off work next week, so I feel it's only fair to apologise in advance for any of the following possibe occurences: Drunkenness, bravado, debauchery, nudity (voluntary or otherwise), swearing, brawling, teabagging, carpetbagging, spillage, throttling, cigar smoking, "cottage cheesing", chortling (and/or laughter-snorting), geese (sacrificial or otherwise), conversation, alcoholism, vomiting (with or without accidental teleportation), destruction of reputation, rumour-milling, backstabbing, ninjery, piracy, excessive gesturing, and chips.

So, for those of you (Rob) that need a recap, I'm saying drinks, Harveys, this Friday May 22nd, around 5pm. I hope to see you there.

Please pass this message on to anyone I may have missed, especially if they have a sense of humour.

Cheers :-)

Foss

An apology

I'd like to apologise to the lady with the newly broken hip. Although I still maintain, you should not have been skateboarding indoors.

I demand an apology

Had you been wearing the mandatory, government-issued panther spectacles, you'd have noticed the reported strength of the bridge was a prevarication. It's up to you to remove your horseless carriage from the river and, while I do wish you the greatest of luck, I refuse to aid you in your quest to recover said carriage.

I show you now, the words of the famous actress and micro-biologist, Angelina Jolie.

You submerged the tractor, James; now it's your job to raise the fucker. And don't forget to anhydrate the upholstery.

This is what happens when you fail to obey the rules.

Jizzing fire

WTF blanket!

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Also, I'd like to congratulate myself. The previous post was NUMBER 666!!!!

Eat a shit, cockhole.

Ninjas!

See more Will Ferrell videos at Funny or Die

Earthquake!

The UK experienced an Earthquake last night. Not Earthquake the wrestler, but earthquake the event.

A man suffered a broken pelvis when a chimney collapsed in South Yorkshire.

That's right. A man was so shocked to watch a chimney collapse, that his own pelvis broke itself in horror. Amazing.

1, 2, 3, 4

Well

There ya go.

Now I'm worried that his freak hand will crawl out of the grave and seek another host...

I love food, too!

I had porridge for dinner last night. You Eeeengleesh with your crazy old fashioned customs, you prolly think it's weird of me to have our Scottish cousin's national dish as my main evening meal. Well guess what? You're wrong! Wrong, stupid, smelly and repulsive!

You're almost right. It would be weird if I weren't so fucking awesome that I can eat what I want, when I want.*

When Josh (ooooh I want to make a fuck with yoooouuu) and I went on the counterattack (a retaliation for the viking invasion back in the year whatever), Schplivelin and Schtora made us a porridge dinnerses. Apparently it's a traditional Snorewegian thing, like bad driving is to Italians, or shooting people is to the blacks.** And if I weren't so hungover I'd have eaten more of it. Y'know, 'cause it was nice and stuff.

So yeah, I figured I'd have some last night. Fuck you if you think it's wrong. Fuck. You.*** And Fuck you if you think it's weird to spread some of it on toast, because I did that too.

I've been eating pretty healthily since xmas. Fruit every day, much less fried foods, nice healthy vegetables and lean meats, and I've come to the realisation that the people on TV are wrong. It's NOT just as easy to make healthy meals as it is to make unhealthy meals. It IS hassle to chop up vegetables and you DO end up doing more washing up. But you know what else? Cutting shit up is fun. I've always loved the feel of raw meat (ewwww, Foss is a freak!) and hacking it to pieces is awesome-o.

I think I'm going to try to keep this healthy eating thing up. Now all I have to do is stop drinking and teach myself to puke at the very thought of chocolate****.

Do you have any weird food preferences?

* fnar fnar
** fnar fnar
*** fuck you
**** fnar fnar

Question

After a particularly heavy and enjoyable night out on the tiles, you stagger homeward. Walking through a dark alley you are approached by a burly woman brandishing a switchblade knife. She demands you hand over your wallet. Too inebriated to draw upon your 7 years intensive kung fu training, you decide your best plan of action would be to leg it. However, you'll need to temporarily incapacitate your assailant in order to make a successful escape. Do you:

1. Punch the baps, or


2. Kick the flaps?

Ghost calls ugly man "faggot".

Radio 1 are dubbing out the word "faggot" from the Pogues' 1987 Christmas hit Fairytale of New York. The worlds ugliest man (pictured) finds it "amusing".

Personally, I hope they get sued by Mr. Brains. Or that other faggot (maker).

THECLAW FEARS NO MAN

Cake!

Brass Eye is awesome.

You just can't make this shit up!

12 year old relies on WoW knowledge to fend off real life moose attack. Maybe one of the snorewegians could translate the original article for us? :)

Let's get an extra holiday!

http://petitions.pm.gov.uk/remembermonday/

Break facebook open with me!

Breaking open facebook with Foss

Pancakes!

This child was eating pancakes, when they forced him to stab himself in his own face.

The Great Onion Tornado

German scientist Francrapula Schwitzturd invented the vegetable weather machine ("Die Weggie-Veather Machinen" or WVM) in August '06. Having been granted no less that four million patents for his idea, it was finally ready to go into mass production. His future looked bright - a WVM in every home in Europe! After all, who wouldn't want to control the local weather via a handsome and tasty broccoli/cabbage interface?

"What the fuck are you on about, Foss?" I hear you ask.. Well, this is what the fuck I'm on about. This paragraph right here is what the fuck I'm on about. The reason you've never heard of the WVM is that it's production was cancelled a mere two hours before it was due to begin. The reason behind it's cancellation?

The Great Onion Tornado...

Turns out that, not only did the WVM control the weather, but through a design fault it also spewed it's contents into the sky. A few root vegetables too many and KAFUCKINGBLAMMO! A maelstrom of red and white onion chunks swirling at blistering headspeeds would leave nothing but destruction in it's wake. Totalling rooftops, gutchunking livestock and disintegrating clowns, the Great Onion Tornado of Hamburg would be the governments greatest cover-up.

It's just ironic that a machine designed with vegetables would transform the city and murder the inhabitants (ie Hamburgers) FOREVER.

Also, pancakes were involved.

Open your eyes

Shitbox!

As you can see, I've copied Andy by adding one of them boxes to the side of the page. You use this box to converse with each other, have "cyb0rz", plan world domination or comment on Heroin Spice's latest hairstyle (or indeed the hairstyle of any other member of your favourite boyband). Top shelf!

Also, can someone please explain why one of my tags is "pancake terrorism"?