eatfoss

So, this happened.

2012-02-13T08:29:00.002Z

DO NOT ANGER CHRISTMAS SLUG

2011-12-19T16:20:00.000Z

DO NOT ANGER CHRISTMAS SLUG

Bitches

2011-10-17T13:05:00.001+01:00

http://soundcloud.com/eatfoss/bitches

In case you hadn't heard...

2011-08-15T15:10:00.001+01:00

February 16th 2012 is when our first baby is due. And stuff.

Plans?

2011-07-20T12:10:00.002+01:00

This blog is pretty much dead, but I still own the eatfoss.com domain and will do for a long time as my email address is part of it.

So, what do I do with the domain name?

I have plans. Not sure if they'll come to fruition, but I hope they do. If it fails, I'll only have myself to blame.

And what I have planned will force me to record a proper version of Bitches.

FFFUUUU

2011-06-30T09:34:00.002+01:00

Email to colleagues

2011-05-20T11:23:00.001+01:00

May 23rd is an important day.

It is the day Joan of Arc was captured by the Burgundians. Captain William Kidd was hanged in London. Himmler commited suicide. 26 sailors were killed aboard the USS Squalus as it sank. Henrik Ibsen died after a series of strokes.

All very depressing, yes, but did you know it is also WORLD TURTLE DAY?*

To celebrate WORLD TURTLE DAY (and my 32nd birthday) there are doughnuts and cookies in the kitchen.** Enjoy!

* Had wikipedia not rejected my edits, it would also have been the day Louis Armstrong became the first man to trumpet on the moon.

** I bought them in today because I'm not here next week.

Attack The Block

2011-05-17T10:02:00.002+01:00

Saw Attack The Block last night.

Fucking awesome.

Gut Festival

2011-05-11T08:38:00.003+01:00

32 is a good number. It is 100000 in binary; it is 2^5; it is 8 less than 40; ancient Mayans believed 32 was the age a girl becomes a man; there were 32 wonders of the world; the bible states it as the number of the hinge; Edgar Allen Poe's poem, The Raven, was originally about the number 32; the 32nd president of America was notable due to his invisibility; there were only 32 episodes of The Bill; 32 rhymes with "dirty poo"; Jimi Hendrix ascended to Gim Kibbur at 32; and we've all heard about the 32 faces of Thatcher. Yes, 32 is a good number indeed.

I will be turning 32 on May 23rd. To celebrate, I'd like to have some quiet drinkies and administer special injections to a few of you. Will you join me, sugar?

Come on you cunts, let's pull its fucking handle off.

Intentional

2010-11-03T08:38:00.001Z

I like this alot.

Halloween

2010-10-27T22:53:00.004+01:00

I AM STILL ALIVE

2010-10-11T21:55:00.003+01:00

Yes, I am still alive.

Just haven't been online much.

Since the redundancies, work has been absolutely mental. When I get home, I don't feel like staring at a computer screen.

That is all. Now I'm off to bed.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World

2010-09-01T08:14:00.003+01:00

The...

Directing
Acting
Cinematography
Effects
Pace
Humour
Action

were all superb.

Go and see this fucking film.

Also Four Lions is out on DVD and Blu Ray. This is also an amazing film.

Current status

2010-08-11T15:17:00.001+01:00

Single again. Not sure why I bother?

.

2010-07-26T12:02:00.001+01:00

DR OCTOGONAPUS BLEEAAAAUUUURGH

2010-05-22T01:21:00.000+01:00

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Got my lizard

2010-05-05T06:39:00.002+01:00

What I've been doing.

2010-04-27T20:38:00.002+01:00

I've been cycling.

View Cyclageddon in a larger map

Sorry to cross-post, but I haven't been doing much else. Just working, cycling, going to the gym, dealing with family shit, and NOT pubbing or smoking. Because healthy is what I want to be.

Raaar

2010-04-19T08:55:00.000+01:00

Saturday: 11 mile bike ride.

Sunday: Cider and barbecue at the park.

Today: Hangover and sunburn.

Jonesy

2010-03-30T20:52:00.000+01:00

Ah yes, Jonesy. I remember him. Short fellow, strange purple tint to his skin. Yes, he was the wicketsman during my initiation in '47. Of course, back then we only had 5 minutes to complete the entire obstacle course. I did it with mere seconds to spare - I HAD to! There was no way I was going to wait another year to get in, so I jolly well gave it my all.

There I was, 6am one misty November morning, poised at the starting line with three other young chaps. I could only just hear the goading of the cadets over the buzz of my concentration. The crisp morning air burned through my nostrils like strong piss, and I began to sweat a cold, anticipatory sweat. It seemed like forever before the crowd started to settle, but eventually they did, and the head boy walked up to the sideline.

The whistle sounded a shrill peep signalling the beginning of the test. I unbuckled my standard issue corduroys, gritted my teeth, gave Jonesy a knowing wink and grabbed my ankles. You'll know I'm not exaggerating when I say it was the most painful experience I've been through in my entire, sordid little life. I ran as fast as I dare, trying hard not to suck the wicket up into more inaccessible areas, and at 4:56 I crossed the finish line. It took seven weeks to remove the splinters.

Aye, I'll never forget Jonesy...

Email to colleagues

2010-03-24T12:11:00.000Z

As I'll soon be heading west to the gossip-filled hot air balloon that is Unit 3, Jonathan and I (or Foss and Boss, or Foster & Allen if you prefer) thought it might be a good idea to have a few drinks to commiselebrate.

I know it's short notice, but this Friday (26th March) seems the best day to do it. UnFortunately, Friday also brings the return of open mic nights down at the Bell. I will using a guitar and mouthwords - some of them rhyming - to make a prat of myself.

I think it starts around 8 but I COULD BE WRONG. I'll check tonight and get back to you...

Won't you come and laugh at my stupid face?

Foss

Twatted

2010-03-19T09:40:00.001Z

The tweet in question:

One day I'll make an excellent housewife; in fact, I've already collected most of the parts.

I am reading AN ACTUAL STORY!

2010-03-15T20:25:00.003Z

I may have mentioned to you that I can't read. If I haven't told you, you're probably wondering how I manage to write stuff in this 'ere blog if I don't know what each of these weird looking character thingies mean. Well, you're taking my "I can't read" statement literally. Just stop jumping to conclusions for a second, let me take you by the metaphorical hand and lead you gently into Le jardin du Foss, where you will discover exactly what I mean, before being devoured by some crazy meat-eating vines that also have herpes.

When I say "Hey there Slimpy, I can't read", what I actually mean is I find it incredibly difficult to read stories. Be they fact or fiction, it doesn't matter - my imagination won't let me soak in a tale. When I start reading a paragraph, Headbrain One goes into overdrive, conjuring up scenes and images that have yet to be described by aforementioned paragraph. By the time my eyes (and the reading part of my brain) catch up, imagination monster gets annoyed that it's being told something other than it dreamt up. BRAINCONFLICT!

I tend to stick to books that teach me stuff. The ones that bypass the part of my cranial blancmange that likes to daydream. I can read that shit, and digest that shit (ew), and improve myself with that shit. Also I can read comedy as long as it isn't in the form of a novel. Hodgman's works of complete world knowledge, for example, are the kind of thing I can quite happily absorb. Mentally, I mean. Not physically. That's be weird. Awesome, but weird. Aaaanyway...

So many people tell me about great stories they've read, and I feel like I'm missing out. No wait, I know I'm missing out. Fuck, I haven't even read Lord Of The Rings - I get about ten pages in before my grey matter sponge gives up.

So I decided to take control of the situation. Basically, STAND BACK, because I am GOING TO ATTEMPT TO READ A STORY, ALL THE WAY THROUGH!!!

On the recommendation of the Penny Arcade guys, I went and bought this book, with the sole purpose of letting IT rule what my imagination summons.

I started it yesterday evening. It took me a couple of chapters to tell Headbrain One to just shut the fuck up and listen (READ) to what the book is telling me, but I think I got the hang of it. In fact I'm about 1/8th of the way through the book already. So far, it is a good.

Stinker, I'll let you know how it goes when I near the end of it. Loves x

EDIT 17/03/10 - Damn I love this book. Three days with this book and I'm on page 320 - just under half way. Thank you, Patrick Rothfuss, for writing something so awesome that it overpowered my imagination and fixed my inability to read stories.

Live things and stuff

2010-03-03T13:14:00.001Z

Going to see Dave Gorman (again) tomorrow night, then possibly Flight of the Conchords in May, then got Download in June. Yaaaay!

Oh

2010-03-02T09:27:00.001Z

I AM STUPID.

Ball ball ball, footie footie footie!

2010-02-25T12:15:00.002Z

Our first world cup games

Sat 12 Jun 19:30 v USA
Fri 18 Jun 19:30 v Algeria
Wed 23 Jun 15:00 v Slovenia

Looks like I'll only need to book one day off work!

DEADWOOD

2010-02-24T23:32:00.001Z

I just wanted to recommend Deadwood to you all.

Goodnight.

V.D.

2010-02-14T01:00:00.000Z

Yet another fitness attempt

2010-02-13T15:07:00.002Z

Rihanna's new song is all about sex. How naughty.

I'm building a new blog over at this address. It's titled "Project Sort Your Fucking Life Out Foss" because it's all about me sorting my life out and becoming even more awesome than I already am, which is VERY AWESOME INDEED.

I'm keeping it seperate from this blog because fitness posts on here make me fail. And I want to keep this place for all the stupid crap. PSYFLOF is more serious, and will be a log of my journey from fat lazy twat to awesome beefcake twat.

See you there, chumps x

DataFormatString list

2010-02-04T10:31:00.006Z

Why in the name of cock is it so hard to find a decent list of DataFormatString values for BoundField properties? I'm sticking this here so that I have something to refer to, and can add to it in future if I find more stuff.

So, for DataFormatString="{0:whatever}", whatever can be any of the following:

Numbers

c - currency £#.##
d - decimal ##.##
e - string of e+###
f - string ##.##
g - fixed point or scientific notation
n - #,###.##
p - percent
x - hex

DateTime
d - short date
D - long date
t - short time
T - long time
f - full datetime and short time
F - full datetime and long time
g - short date and short time
G - long date and long time
m - month

edit - loads more here at msdn

edit 2 - holycrap, found loads now.

standard numeric
custom numeric
standard date
custom date
enumeration

JoCo

2009-11-17T08:13:00.001Z

Why yes, this is Me, Ryan and Jonathan Coulton at the JoCo Bristol gig. Thank you for noticing.

...

2009-11-13T10:01:00.001Z

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Bad EU law ruins cookies

2009-11-10T10:44:00.003Z

This is silly.

A law that demands consent to internet cookies has been approved and will be in force across the EU within 18 months. It is so breathtakingly stupid that the normally law-abiding business may be tempted to bend the rules to breaking point.

If the cookie is "strictly necessary" (ie used in a shopping basket script) then there's an exception, but for everything else, the user will have to give consent for the site to use cookies. This means google analytics, auto login, webtrends, user tracking and saved site preferences. A website will have to get your consent before it can do any of these things. And I can say with confidence that every website I visit will use cookies in some way.

It's cocking ridiculous!

Paint.NET 3.5 released

2009-11-09T15:58:00.002Z

My favourite free paint app, paint.Net, is now on version 3.5. Go download it!

Go! Go!

The Music Fix - Jonathan Coulton interview

2009-11-05T08:33:00.000Z

My Plymouth mate Adge interviewed JoCo!

The Music Fix - Jonathan Coulton interview

And I'm going to see him in 10 days. FUCK YES!

The closure of Geocities

2009-10-27T09:29:00.004Z

Earlier this week, Yahoo closed Geocities.

Geocities was a free website hosting company, launched in 1995. The servers comprised of virtual neighbourhoods and blocks, where pretty much anyone could have their own website. If your website was music based, your neighbourhood would be sunsetstrip. Sci-fi sites went into Area51. You then had your own block under there ie www.geocities.com/sunsetstrip/3635 (sunsetstrip ftw).

Most geocities websites comprised of bright text, centred over a dark background, with transparent tables, animated gifs, marquee tags and horrible MIDI tracks. My first site was on geocities! It was horrible, ugly as fuck, and as a full time web developer I'm embarrassed by it. But that doesn't stop the closure of Geocities being a terrible idea.

So what if there was a lot of rubbish on there? There was also a lot of useful information and a lot of memories, too. How many old tech manuals were on there? How many broken links have Yahoo created by removing Geocities? How many Geocities websites were created by people who have since died?

It's a piece of history, and a reflection of the state of the Internet at that time. Yahoo should at least have made a proper backup or snapshot of the site, but all they did was point archive.org in the right direction and say "get on with it".

As Jason Scott puts it: "Help me save Geocities. Not because we love it. We hate it. But if you only save the things you love, your archive is a very poor reflection indeed."

More awesome Jason Scott speak here.

JA: Confused by slashes

2009-10-14T13:45:00.001+01:00

JA: Confused by slashes

Shared via AddThis

*guilty*

webninja!

2009-10-07T15:31:00.001+01:00

Posted via email from eatfoss's posterous

Bustin' for a piss!

2009-10-07T15:14:00.001+01:00

Posted via email from eatfoss's posterous

validator.w3.org hates me today

2009-09-08T14:06:00.001+01:00

Stupid thing :-/

Posted via email from eatfoss's posterous

Dave Gorman!

2009-09-02T13:05:00.003+01:00

J and I went to see Dave Gorman at the Sterts open-air theatre on Monday evening. As you can see from his wikipedia page, he's a very busy man. He's currently touring the UK with a stand-up comedy show, but he's cycling to each destination and will be visiting the most southern, eastern, western and northern points of the British mainland along the way.

If you haven't caught any of his previous work (or read his blog) then you're missing out on some absolute comedy genius.

If you get the chance to see his current show ("Sit Down, Pedal, Pedal, Stop and Stand Up" - tour dates here) you really should. And take some clean pants unless you don't mind sitting in your own laughterpiss for a couple of hours.

Genius

2009-08-25T12:52:00.000+01:00

http://www.boycottscotland.co.uk/

Please read through the site; it raises some very good points.

Oh yes.

2009-08-21T15:28:00.002+01:00

Fuck you, world.

2009-08-20T13:24:00.006+01:00

My comments on this: Peas break chart record in the US

The Black Eyed Peas have broken a US chart record by notching up 20 weeks on top of the singles countdown.

I have no more faith in humanity.

The R&B act's song I Gotta Feeling has claimed an eighth week at number one, following 12 weeks at pole position with Boom Boom Pow.

Song? Song?! Have you heard it? It's the dullest, most unimaginative piece of audio shit I've ever had the misfortune to accidentally hear.

Their record beats Usher, who held the number one spot for 19 weeks in 2004 with Yeah! and Burn.

Usher? Really? He had the record before? Well, it seems the majority of people paying for music are cunts. Well done America.

Black Eyed Peas frontwoman Fergie said it is "amazing to know that these songs have connected with so many people".

Yeah, of course you connected with people. Because it's such a deep and meaningful song, it works on so many levels. Oh wait, you know what? I think the reason people buy the song is that it reminds them of a drug-fuelled stomp to a repetitive beat on a Friday night while surrounded by similar-minded cockrags, and NOT, as you say, that it forms some emotional connection with the listener. Get your head out of your own anus Fergie, you horse-faced fuckup.

Fellow Black Eyed Peas member Will.i.am said: "With this kind of success your ego wants to take all the credit. But your heart reminds your soul that it was your heart that had you slaving and creating in the studio making the music. In the fight between heart and ego my heart always wins."

WHAT? What the fuck does that even MEAN? Did someone just spring you out of the hospital? Did you bang your head a bit hard when you fell out of bed this morning?

In the UK chart, the band's single I Gotta Feeling returned to the number one spot this week.

Fuck you, United Kingdom. Somebody should punch you in the cock.

In May, Boom [Boom] Pow also spent time on top of the rundown.

Boom Boom Pow. Another meaningful song that connects with listeners; it, of course, being a follow up from their heartfelt double A-side, "La La Coochie" and "Wakka wakka doo doo"

Singer Jason Mraz also set a US chart record this week, clocking up 70 weeks on the Billboard Hot 100 with his song I'm Yours.

Meh. 70 weeks in the top 100. That's 100, not 40 like we have over here. Not much of a feat really. It basically means he sold at least one copy every week for 70 weeks. I expect his Mum is running out of room for them.

It surpasses LeAnn Rimes' record of 69 weeks held for almost 11 years with How Do I Live.

How the fuck DO you live with yourselves?

Virus removal instructions.

2009-08-19T18:06:00.003+01:00

The "tawtouy" facebook virus is automatically spread through friend lists. If you contract the virus, it will automatically spread to everyone in your friends list if they have logged on in the past 2 weeks. Similarly, if one of your friends has contracted the virus, and you have logged on in the 2 weeks since they caught it, you will have the virus.

The virus is hidden and there is no way of telling if you have it. It will replace several critical system files within 48 hours if it is not removed.

If you have received the facebook virus, you can remove it by doing the following:

Hold ALT and press F4 (while still holding ALT).

Bang your head repeatedly on the keyboard for BEING SO GULLIBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Viruses do not spread in this way. You won't catch one unless you click on a dodgy link or open an unknown attachment.

And yes, the plural of virus is viruses, not virii. Just like the plural of octopus is octopuses or octopodes, and NOT octopi.

And the plural of Foss is Bunch Of Cunts :)

Legion

2009-08-13T17:01:00.000+01:00

This nearly made me shit myself.

Did you know...?

2009-08-13T11:05:00.002+01:00

The french call drum sticks "baguettes".

I know this because it says so on the side of the BOX THAT JUST GOT DELIVERED.

BADUM TSCH

2009-08-13T10:09:00.001+01:00

My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today! My drum kit should arrive today!

I am slightly excited.

rrrrooooowwwwrrmmmm dakakakakaka

2009-08-11T08:43:00.001+01:00

I've been playing Battlefield 1943, that's what. And I have a hot new woman. Ka-ching!

And what the fuck have YOU been doing with YOUR life? Huh? *dismissive wank*

Stupid proxy

2009-08-03T13:15:00.001+01:00

We've been given a new proxy server to use to connect to Internets at work. It is evil because it monitors all our web browsing, and blocks awesome tools such as twitter.

Fuck the new proxy server.

Dale?

2009-07-30T11:29:00.000+01:00

I demand to know the state of Dale's paw!

Has it healed yet?

:*(

2009-07-14T16:38:00.004+01:00

Mum died on June 29th, and her funeral is tomorrow. I'm going to be one of the pall bearers along with my brother, cousins, uncle and stepdad. It's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I'm dreading it :(

Thank you to every one of you that has shown me love and support over the past couple of weeks. You're all very special and I really appreciate your kind words.

x

ZP E3 special

2009-06-18T08:38:00.002+01:00

The new one is awesome.

Foss? Where've you been?

2009-06-16T08:47:00.002+01:00

Duuuude, I had a birthday. It was like the 30th birthday I've ever had.

Then I spent a lot of time getting drunk. And I bought a shitload of books about how to improve my memory and increase the awesome power of my brain. I've just started a book about Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP) which is some clever stuff.

And I really like honeydew melon.

My email to colleages

2009-05-20T09:31:00.000+01:00

I sent this out office staff today...

Hello, you!

Some of you may be aware of my impending old age; more specifically, this Saturday I shall be turning thirty (for those of you (Rob) that don't understand the concept of using numbers as words, I mean 30) years of age. It's a fairly important birthday (as those that end in zero often are), so I thought I'd do something different, possibly even social, to make a nice change from sitting fully clothed under a cold shower, sobbing uncontrollably. Of course it will have to be somewhere public to provide as many witnesses (alibis) as possible. After all, I don't want a repeat of 2006.

As I've been working here since I was 18, I've known many of you for several years and have come to consider most of you as "colleagues". In fact I must admit I've even grown to like a handful of you, so I feel it'd be a great honour for you to help me celebrate my birthday. Plus it might make me look important if I'm seen hanging around with intelligent, attractive people (ie that lucky 25% of you).

Given Cornwall Council's inexcusable failure to open a branch of Hooters in town, I thought kicking off the evening in Harveys might be a viable (although inferior) alternative. Sure, the drinks are expensive, the atmosphere is depressing and the bar staff are judgemental, but at least the drinks are expensive. Please feel free to bring friends or partners (or mail order internet brides (Rob)). I think it's probably best to head there straight after work so we don't get stuck with the cheap seats, or end up talking to Les.

I am aware of the "recession", so if you'd like to save some money I recommend trying to pay for drinks using a drawing of a spider - see http://people.msoe.edu/~gormand/canihavemyspiderbackot3.gif for details.

I'm off work next week, so I feel it's only fair to apologise in advance for any of the following possibe occurences: Drunkenness, bravado, debauchery, nudity (voluntary or otherwise), swearing, brawling, teabagging, carpetbagging, spillage, throttling, cigar smoking, "cottage cheesing", chortling (and/or laughter-snorting), geese (sacrificial or otherwise), conversation, alcoholism, vomiting (with or without accidental teleportation), destruction of reputation, rumour-milling, backstabbing, ninjery, piracy, excessive gesturing, and chips.

So, for those of you (Rob) that need a recap, I'm saying drinks, Harveys, this Friday May 22nd, around 5pm. I hope to see you there.

Please pass this message on to anyone I may have missed, especially if they have a sense of humour.

Cheers :-)

Foss

HAH!

2009-05-09T13:03:00.000+01:00

via in the fade

Tauren legs

2009-05-03T15:29:00.002+01:00

Only cocks would seriously consider wearing these to blizzcon.

Swine flu

2009-05-03T15:07:00.001+01:00

Oh just fuck off!

What the fuck?

2009-05-01T09:06:00.001+01:00

I went out for a run last night. This will be the first time I actually ran more than 20 yards since about 1995. It felt really good!

But it lasted just 15 minutes.

I fucking LOVE penny arcade

2009-04-22T09:56:00.001+01:00

Today's Penny Arcade made me piss a little.

Statham retweeted me!

2009-04-20T13:29:00.001+01:00

http://twitter.com/JasonStatham1/status/1564947270

Feeling a bit starstruck :p

My jaw hurts!

2009-04-17T12:09:00.004+01:00

I've had the same three songs stuck in my head for over a week now. Not just the main melodies, but the entire thing, bassline, drums, rhythm guitar and all. When I lie in bed at night, it's almost as if I'm having auditory hallucinations. Seriously, this shit is so vivid, it keeps me awake. I need a volume control for my imagination. And as if that's not maddening enough, I've also been gently chattering my teeth in time with the brainsongs, so my jaw is aching too. I'm a danger to myself.

Oh, holy shit, would you look at this! It's an update! I have nothing interesting to write about, but someone complained about my lack of posts so I thought I'd better write something - anything.

This week I have mostly been making Google my bitch. Well, not all of google, that would be crazy. I'm not running around the Googleplex slapping employees arses and screaming "You belong to me now". I'm not involved in a long and complicated plan to blackmail Larry Page or Eric Schmidt with ill-gotten pictures of them involved in bizarre sexual practices with Gary Glitter and a tub of swarfega.

No no, I mean I've been working some magic with ASP and our company's Google Mini search appliance - getting our intranet to send requests to the Mini, and have results returned in a manageable XML format using the MSXML2. Then I'm taking that XML feed, wrapping some pretty CSS around it, sticking on a bow and presenting it to staff as if it never left the original server.

Of course, if staff weren't so LAZY they wouldn't need a search engine. Can't be arsed to look around for procedure H2? That's ok, we'll spend a few grand on a search engine for you. But for future reference, it's listed under Procedures. Yeah, I know, it's complicated. Don't you worry your pretty little head about it.

Ah thank fuck it's Friday. If the weather stays nice tomorrow I might go get drunk up the park, spend an hour shouting at some trees, fall asleep and get massively sun-burned. I think Aimi's in town for some birthday drinks in ze evening. It'll be good to see Tom and that lot again.

On Sunday I'll visit my parents during the day, and in the evening I'll drown myself in a bath of my own puke. Lovely.

The Concept of Cardinal Reciprocity - A Primer

2009-04-01T10:37:00.000+01:00

The Concept of Cardinal Reciprocity - A Primer

An apology

2009-03-30T13:13:00.001+01:00

I'd like to apologise to the lady with the newly broken hip. Although I still maintain, you should not have been skateboarding indoors.

Project Darwin

2009-03-18T12:41:00.003Z

Yesterday Jonathan (@fatherjack) and I began a new project that we saw fit to name Darwin. In the style of Call My Bluff, let's see if you can guess what it's about...

Option A)

Project Darwin is our experiment to prove Darwin's theory of evolution. We shall place nineteen labrador puppies in a cage, and suspend food from the ceiling, about 2 foot out of range of the tallest puppy. We predict that, over the course of several thousand years, the puppies will grow extra long necks in order to reach the food - much like the giraffe, the ocelot, or the subterranean cloudbeaver.

Option B)

Project Darwin is a web development project, which had a commencement date of March 17th 2009 - St Patrick's Day. One of the more popular beverages on St Patrick's Day is Guinness, so the name Darwin was inspired by their NoitulovE advert.

Option C)

Darwin is an anagram of Rad Win. We're going to enter and win the 2010 Xtreme games, thus performing a "Rad Win". We shall defeat our competition (such as expert fireworks skateboarder Tony Fawkes, or 7 time drillskating world champion Chip Fuckstock) by shooting them before the games begin.

Answers on a postcard please, to:

CLICK REPLY YOU BASTARDS,
CLICK REPLY,
CLICK IT,
SEE THAT REPLY BUTTON RIGHT THERE?
CLICK IT, BASTARDFACE.
London SW1 CLICKREPLYZOMG

Venn diagram

2009-03-17T15:23:00.000Z

This is true.

I demand an apology

2009-03-10T13:30:00.003Z

Had you been wearing the mandatory, government-issued panther spectacles, you'd have noticed the reported strength of the bridge was a prevarication. It's up to you to remove your horseless carriage from the river and, while I do wish you the greatest of luck, I refuse to aid you in your quest to recover said carriage.

I show you now, the words of the famous actress and micro-biologist, Angelina Jolie.

You submerged the tractor, James; now it's your job to raise the fucker. And don't forget to anhydrate the upholstery.

This is what happens when you fail to obey the rules.

Failuer

2009-03-06T01:34:00.001Z

Man, I told you it's not working. Doesn't matter how many tubes you use, she won't be "all pregnant 'n' shit" until you pump some spaff in there.

Red Nose Day 2009

2009-02-27T13:30:00.000Z

Red Nose Day 2009 March 13th

Josh Freese is fucking awesome

2009-02-20T09:02:00.000Z

Now, THIS is how you do album sales.

Josh Freese (Drummer for NIN, Sting, A Perfect Circle, Vandals) is releasing his Solo album and there are 11 different options for buying it online, ranging from $7 to $75,000! These include the bog-standard digital download, or $15 for the digital download plus CD/DVD double set.

Then they start getting amazing...

$50
-CD/DVD Double Disc Set
-T-shirt
-"Thank You" phone call from Josh for buying Since 1972. You can tell him what you like about the record that you purchased, or what you thought sucked.

$1,000 (limited edition of 10)
-Signed CD/DVD and digital download.
-T-shirt
-Signed Cymbal, Drum head and Drumsticks.
-Josh washes your car OR does your laundry....or you can wash his car.
-Have dinner with Josh aboard the "Queen Mary" in Long Beach, CA
-Get drunk and cut each other's hair in the parking lot of the Long Beach courthouse (filmed and posted on youtube of course)

$75,000 (limited edition of 1)
-Signed CD/DVD and digital download
-T-shirt
-Go on tour with Josh for a few days.
-Have Josh write, record and release a 5 song EP about you and your life story.
-Take home any of his drumsets (only one but you can choose which one.)
-Take shrooms and cruise Hollywood in Danny from TOOL's Lamborgini OR play quarters and then hop on the Ouija board for a while.
-Josh will join your band for a month...play shows, record, party with groupies, etc.... If you don't have a band he'll be your personal assistant for a month (4 day work weeks, 10 am to 4 pm)
-Take a limo down to Tijuana and he'll show you how it's done (what that means exactly we can't legally get into here)
-If you don't live in Southern California (but are a US resident) he'll come to you and be your personal assistant/cabana boy for 2 weeks.
-Take a flying trapeze lesson with Josh and Robin from NIN, go back to Robins place afterwards and his wife will make you raw lasagna.

Favrd. eatfoss.

2009-02-17T16:44:00.000Z

Favrd. eatfoss.
4 times in the past 24 hours. My mojo's working overtime, bitchcakes!

13:37

2009-02-15T13:37:00.000Z

Holyshit you guys it's L337 o' clock!

zomg repost

2009-02-15T01:24:00.002Z

I didn't credit this properly the first time I posted it, so I need to redress that right now.

Although I wrote the music, Kirk wrote most of the lyrics. So you should all give him some fantastic love. Here.

I just ran out of wine.

2009-02-14T02:44:00.001Z

Time to go to bed. Just as well, really, or I'd make worse shit.

The lolinator

2009-02-13T12:59:00.000Z

Pictures of You, with added Lollinator!

Monkeon is awesome.

Whaa?

2009-02-13T12:44:00.001Z

10 things...

2009-02-09T10:59:00.000Z

10 things a web designer would never tell you : Boagworld

Jizzing fire

2009-02-03T19:48:00.000Z

.

2009-01-31T10:16:00.000Z

cornhole-monkey

2009-01-29T22:18:00.000Z

Uh...

I'm gonna go stab my own eyes out now.

Her Morning Elegance / Oren Lavie

2009-01-29T22:09:00.000Z

WTF blanket!

2009-01-29T19:48:00.000Z

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

Also, I'd like to congratulate myself. The previous post was NUMBER 666!!!!

Eat a shit, cockhole.

Pictures Of You

2009-01-26T18:43:00.000Z

SUMO Paint :: Online Image Editor

2009-01-26T13:52:00.000Z

SUMO Paint :: Online Image Editor

I think you might enjoy this.

Quick update

2009-01-25T22:42:00.002Z

Me n Kirk have gone healthy. We haven't drank alcohol for a week and I haven't smoked either (Kirk didn't smoke anyway). We've been doing an hour fast walking, and hitting the weights. I now weigh 68kg, and can bench-press 5 reps at 67kg (that's all my weights so I need to buy some more). And you know what?

It feels awesome.

Crank 2

2009-01-16T16:23:00.001Z

This trailer is a lot less NSFW than the last one! Crank was awesome and I can't wait to see the sequel :D :D

Twestival

2009-01-16T10:00:00.000Z

Twestival

700 posts, 7 things

2009-01-12T21:24:00.005Z

Well, Detweiler tagged me on this damned 7 things tweet chain, so I have to carry it on. It's the law, and if I don't post it, 7 million people will die in the next 7 days as a direct result of my laziness. And as this is my 700th blog post, it seem fitting to bestow upon you this utter shit that you probably couldn't give a fuck less about. So here goes.

7 things (you may or may not know about me)

I'm very proud of my taste in music. Not necessarily some of the music I listen to, because some of it is, by regular standards, fucking terrible. I mean, I really like McFly even though it's bog-standard pop cheese, but shit off cockneck; I like it because it makes me happy. I like Evanescence because her voice makes me cream my boxers. I like Mr Bungle because his voice makes me cream my boxers. I like Prodigy because it's fucking wicked. I like Keane because it reminds me of some very good times in my life. I like metal and funk and jazz and pop and trance and alternative and punk... I like all kinds of shit, and I like that I like all kinds of shit. I know most of you people out there are the same, and can listen to just about anything, so I hope you're proud of your wide and varied tastes too. That said, I have always hated country & western music with a passion. But I think Dolly Parton is awesome - not her music, just her.

I'm immensely shy around people I don't know, while totally hitting the other end of the scale when I'm around friends. I'm not sure if it's part of being British and I don't want to embarass myself in front of strangers, or whatever. But I'll totally make a twat of myself in front of my mates, and I'll have a damn good time doing it. The only exception to this rule is with music. If I'm singing, or playing guitar in front of strangers, I'll still make a twat of myself and love it. And as always, this extroverted behaviour is multiplied when booze is involved. I can be a very loud drunk around friends. But if I'm in a nightclub (which is very rare) and I'm expected to meet new people, I clam up. I'd much rather sit in a corner talking to one or two friends, but the nightclub noise makes it difficult.

I'm too nice. I let people walk all over me, and I'll bend over backwards just to please most people. If someone needs a lift back from Plymouth at 2 in the morning, I'll get out of bed and drive to pick them up (this has happened). If some old lady down the hall needs me to go do her shopping for her, I'll do it (again, happened). I know it's nice to be nice, but sometimes I take it too far and people take the piss for it. This has landed me in several very bad, one-sided relationships. I should toughen up and learn to say "No". And "get a fucking job or do some housework".

On the plus side, I give quite a bit to charity and I've been doing youth work as a volunteer for 10 years. Yeah that's right, now you have to love me.

I still don't have any tattoos. I have a fear of permanence. I got my lip piercing instead of a tattoo because I figured I could take it out if I got sick of it. That was 10 years ago, and I'm still not sick of it. I keep thinking "well, I don't know if I'll find a design I like enough to keep for the rest of my life" but I know that's bullshit. I've wanted a tattoo of a lizard, on the upper left part of my chest, since I was in my early teens, yet something in the back of my head keeps screaming "WHAT IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND?!?!" and I never book it in.

Cous cous makes me heave. I can't stand the smell, the texture, the taste... Even the look of it makes me want to start laughing carrots at the carpet. When the guy behind me at work brings it in for lunch, I have to concentrate on something else and try not to let the smell overpower me. Sometimes I have to leave the room for a while. If aliens invaded with the soul intent of eradicating cous cous for the rest of eternity, I'd be a happy bunny. Evil fucking stuff. It should be locked away forever, in a vault on the moon, along with Noel Edmonds and country and western music.

I like made up words. I like making them up, and I like using other people's. From Mr Burns' "velocitator and decelematrix" to Trys' "elsewise" via somebody's "twunt", words that aren't real words are like honey to my vocabularBEE. See what I did there? Yeah, I know, you're amazed. But I'm also a bit of a spelling and grammar nazi, which is one of the reasons I hate MS Word so much. Anywayses, the best made up words are definitely swears. Thundercunt, fuckknuckles, cockstick, they're all good with comedy and they roll off the tongue.

I love learning new stuff. I loved School, but I realised it waaaay too late. I loved Maths, Science, Music, English, French... I still love it all now! I love learning new languages - especially insults - but am often too lazy to study it by myself. If someone's helping me, I'm in my element, but if I'm on my own with a foreign language book I get bored after a few minutes. Science and Maths are different though. Physics books are wonderful, especially when they confuse the shit out of me, because I love trying to get my head around it all.

When I was supposed to be studying my French, Chemistry and Maths A-levels, I went up the park and got stoned with my mates instead. Everyone used to say "School Sucks" and somehow they convinced me. I wish I'd tried harder back then, but there's no use worrying about it now. No use regretting it when I could be spending that time learning new stuff instead!

Damn, writing this post was hard, and has taken me well over an hour. Now I have to think of 7 other twitter users to tag....

@fatherjack
@toralya
@jack_franklin
@sniffyjenkins
@imarco
@zombiepresident
@akelaa

You guys have to post 7 things now. Go!

Edit - @TBMimsTheThird did this awesome list of 7things posts.

Foley art

2009-01-08T09:30:00.000Z

Awesome:

"The Noises Rest" from lonelysandwich on Vimeo.

Ouch

2009-01-06T11:18:00.000Z

Did 90 press-ups (push-ups for the yanks) last night (3 sets of 30). Am regretting it today.

OMFG!

2009-01-03T22:46:00.000Z

HOLY FUCKING SHIT YOU GUYS! NUROFEN PERIOD PAIN HEAT PATCHES ARE GOING FOR A QUID AT POUNDLAND!

Fuck money

2009-01-03T13:17:00.002Z

Home Information Pack - £420
Broken TV - £260
New vivarium and extras - £140
Xmas and new year pissups - £300 (ish)
That Jizz In My Pants song - priceless

There are some things money can't buy. For everything else, there's what was supposed to be my holiday fund.

Merry Christmas

2008-12-24T13:36:00.002Z

Over 26,500 children die every day from easily preventable causes such as hunger and poverty. That's one every 3 seconds.

This year, instead of sending out christmas cards, I paypalled £30 to the World Food Programme. It'll help people in the war-torn Democratic Republic of Congo. If you want to do similar, visit http://www.wfp.org

Channel 4's Alternative Christmas Message

2008-12-24T10:50:00.000Z

Every year, Channel 4 give out an alternative to the Queen's xmas speech. This year it'll be done by the President of Iran, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

Ok

2008-12-20T00:37:00.001Z

I've suffered it, so you should too.

To be fair, the cunt can sing. Just chooses fucking terrible songs. All the time. Terrible. Terrible.

edit - I said sing, I meant mime.

Just.. Wrong...

2008-12-20T00:31:00.000Z

www.warmandfuzzyfeeling.com

Black Dynamite

2008-12-19T18:03:00.003Z

If you haven't heard of Black Dynamite, you should go google the fucking trailer. Right now.

Done? Good. Back? Good. Now watch this xmas message from him.

PS - NSFW 'cause there are boobies. W0000t!

PhotoshopDisasters: Swedish Cosmo: Why So Serious?

2008-12-19T09:21:00.000Z

PhotoshopDisasters: Swedish Cosmo: Why So Serious?

Ask for Fairtrade (a twitter experiment)

2008-12-11T09:17:00.000Z

Ask for Fairtrade (a twitter experiment) : Tim’s Blog

Living in a small backward town, I don't go to coffee shops much. But I know some of you CITY FOLK do, so please give this one some consideration. It takes fuck-all effort, but the coffee farmers could benefit from it. So ask for fairtrade next time you buy one of your fancy-pants mochalattefrappethingies and if they don't deliver, report it to @askforfairtrade on twitter.

Cheers, cherrycake.

Holiday Havoc: Jonathan Coulton - Quick Stop Entertainment

2008-12-11T08:57:00.000Z

Holiday Havoc: Jonathan Coulton - Quick Stop Entertainment